CONTENTS
Author’s Notes
Forward
Introduction: Launching a Family
The “Adjustment” Phase
Chapter One: The Big News
Chapter Two: Foreign Territory
Chapter Three: Decisions, Decisions
Chapter Four: A Growing Sense of Fatherhood
The “Active” Phase
Chapter Five: Coping with Changes
Chapter Six: Your First Family Outing
The “Focusing” Phase
Chapter Seven: Getting Ready
Chapter Eight: Lights... Camera
Chapter Nine: ... Action!
The “Adaptive” Phase.
Chapter Ten: Common Reactions
Chapter Eleven: Living in Harmony
Chapter Twelve: From Fantasy to Fatherhood
The “Re-entry” Phase
Chapter Thirteen: Back on Track
Glossary
References
“Honey, I’ve got something to tell you. . . “
The test is positive and you’re probably questioning if all you’ve heard about pregnancy is true. Will you have to forgo your male bonding fishing trips for Lamaze classes? Meet more doctors and tour more hospitals than you did Realtors and dream homes? And make so many runs to the convenience store for your wife’s favorite ice cream that you could own stock? If you’re wondering how you will ever balance your work with baby exercise classes, don’t despair. At last, here’s a pregnancy book written exclusively for the pregnant father—you!
Going beyond the medically oriented pregnancy volumes written for women, The Thirteen Months of Pregnancy looks at sex, career, exercise, mood swings, labor coaching, birth and the new family, all from a fresh point of view—the man’s. It addresses the “return to family” theme and answers your questions and concerns about pregnancy, focusing on the new set of priorities—the balance of time at work, as a couple, and with the family. Written by a father who was at the top of the corporate scene, who chose the “Daddy Track.” This guide supplies you with the know-how required to meet the challenges of today’s family.
Not stopping at nine months, this book takes fathers-to-be into the critical first four months after the baby is born. It includes the sleepless nights and runs to the pediatrician as well as how to understand and cope with newfound responsibilities. Lightly, this entertaining guide moves you to the thirteenth month at which time thing begin to settle down to a new equilibrium. With words of wisdom from doctors, psychologists, and fathers who have been there, you’ll find helpful hints for communicating, bonding, and keeping that spark in your relationship alive.
At last, fathers-to-be now have the necessary information needed to be an active partner in pregnancy and a well-prepared father—financially, physically, and emotionally. You may even strike a balance between your career and the biggest career move of your life—fatherhood.
. . . and here is what they’re saying. “Put down your phone, set aside your work and pick up your baby.”
Pregnancy changes your whole focus on life. And I thank my daughters every day for those changes.
But when you first learn you’re going to be a father; it can be overwhelming.
This chapter describes issues—and opportunities—you might encounter in the aftermath of the big news. It looks at two big pieces of your life: your career and spousal relationship.
Money and Work
On average, about 4.32 seconds elapse between your finding out that you’re having a baby and you or your wife asking, “Can we afford it?”
For couples who haven’t been salting away a fortune or haven’t won the lottery, looking at higher expenses—and maybe a lower income (if your wife is working)—can be frightening.
So . . . should your wife be the one to put her career on hold? If so, how long will she stay home with the baby? Will she want to go back to work? When?
Those are big issues. I found myself worrying about pregnancy causing a nasty “chain reaction.” As a commissioned sales executive, I was spending a tremendous amount of time on the road, keeping my current clients happy and finding new ones. My income was directly related to that travel, and less time on the road would mean less money. I was able to make some adjustments to prevent a steep drop in income, and you can do the same thing—here’s how.
Financial Fundamentals
A newborn may not know anything about finances, but your child will teach you more about economics than any professor.
The Right Person for the Job
If you owned a $175,000 sports car, would you let the kid down the street fix it?
The same applies to pregnancy. You wouldn’t let the checkout clerk at the supermarket or even your mother-in-law tell you how to run your business. Although that may not stop either of them from offering plenty of advice. And you’re not going to pick your doctor out of the phone book or from and Internet advertisement.
Choosing your main medical practitioner—obstetrician, midwife, or family practitioner—is part of a larger decision: What type of childbirth do you want? You and your wife have many options. These range from the “standard” hospital birth, with a dazzling array of fetal monitors, intravenous rigs, and other high-tech equipment on hand, to having your baby at home the “natural” way. And there are other choices that combine elements of both.
In this chapter, I’ll try to help you and your wife through decisions on the “who” (will deliver your child) and the “where” (hospital, birth center, home) of the event that will launch you into fatherhood.
It’s a little like planning your wedding—the earlier you make these choices the better. It takes time to develop good rapport with your medical team. It takes time to work out the details about delivery. And it takes time for your practitioner to know you and your wife, especially her medical history and feelings about what she wants childbirth to be like. As with practically everything in pregnancy, these decisions aren’t as simple as “this is right and that’s wrong.” What’s right is what makes you and your wife comfortable and confident.
And remember, no matter what kind of birth you choose, this is the best time in all history (from the standpoint of health and safety) to have a baby. If you do your homework, help your partner stay healthy and fit, and approach childbirth with confidence, the odds are strongly in your favor that your pregnancy experience will be a rewarding one.
This illustration depicts a family in which the child is the parents’ only common focus. This can happen during pregnancy but should not go beyond that time.
One of the best things parents can do for their children is to work hard on their own relationship and individual growth. Your needs as an individual and as a couple should not disappear because of the arrival of your baby. It’s unhealthy for everyone if you and your wife neglect these needs to focus 100 percent on the child. A relationship based solely on your child will eventually lead to conflict and many even fall apart.
Pregnancy is the ideal time for you to look at your future. Explore topics together that include how to raise your children and what to expect of them. What type of plans do you have for your family? How many of these areas do you agree upon and where are your differences?
There is no need to accept this type of relationship. It is not ideal for either you, your wife, or your child. The child can be a catalyst to pull each of you together initially if you feel this is all you have in common.
Great Expectations ... and Reality
When I first started seeing my child-to-be in my mind’s eye, I pictured a child of about two years old who was a borderline genius, athletic, musical, and good-looking (by the way this is how many men envision their baby).
This was also a child who never cried, slept through every night, never spit up, and preferred broccoli to candy. Okay, maybe my expectations were a little high.
A big factor in the inner journey during pregnancy—the psychological growth to your new identity as a father—is your expectations. Your view of how successful you are at work or on the tennis court depends a great deal on how well you meet your own, and other’s, expectations.
The same applies to parenting. It’s practically universal for parents-to-be to express their determination to be “perfect parents.” They’re intent on having all the techniques down pat and being fully versed in the latest research on children and how they develop. They tell themselves they’ll remember the mistakes their parents made and will never, ever make them.
Fortunately for you, your wife, your child, and the world at large, that’s a goal you won’t attain. I realized this the first time I heard myself use the line, “Because I said so.” That’s a universal phrase guaranteed to baffle and confuse any child, anytime.
Since you’re going to act this way anyway, you’ll be ahead of the game if you tune your expectations to match these realities. Keeping your expectations realistic, for yourself, your partner, and your child, is the cornerstone of your positive self-image as a father. It makes sense to start calibrating those expectations early in pregnancy. When you do that, you’ve begun to master the inner journey of pregnancy.